It’s been a good while since I’ve kvetched about the embarrassment the English language has become. So I’m going to do so now. I know for too many years it’s been “fashionable” to speak like someone who spent more time sniffing paint thinner in the woods behind the school than in an actual classroom.
And I know we (and by “we” I mean everybody and me) like our slang and when used properly colloquialisms make language richer and can turn communication an art. But most modern slang is simply displeasing to my the ear. To the point where I have to turn up my ipod to drown out the garbled verbiage that seems to follow me everywhere I go.
First off, we need to get rid of “vajayjay.” Honestly, did we need another childish euphemism for the female sex organ? “Sick” when used to describe something cool*, also needs to go. Anything shortened to webspeak (OMG! LMAO!) said aloud is just stupid for stupid’s sake. Do you really have so many vitally important things to express that you must speak in abbreviations?
It also pisses me off that “gay” is still being used as an insult. It makes people sound more even more like rednecks than they look.
But rather than deride our poor word choices (any more than I already have), I humbly offer some suggestions for new buzzwords. Not new in the sense that I invented them (if I were that clever I’d be ruling the verse by now) but resurrections of a few classics and one from the future as envisioned by Joss Whedon.
1 Zounds: popular in the fifteenth century, “zounds” is a fun word for expressing a sort of horrified awe. It is short for “God’s wounds” according to Ned Flanders. Used in conversation it might sound like “Zounds, I can’t believe Pip turned over all the wastebaskets and still had time to squeeze in a power nap in a space of four minutes!”
2. Pish-posh: first used around the 1590s, it is mild cry of contempt. It is so damn cute that it should both express one’s displeasure and also diffuse any tense situation. “Pish-posh! Justin Bieber is not the new Beatles! You take that back!”
3. Cat: as in “cool cat.” When a person is labeled a “cat,” he or she is clearly a creature above other humans, much like an actual cat. Originated in the Jazz Age. One clever variation is “cat’s pajamas.” “That cat just walked through the door wearing skin-tight pleather trousers like he owned the joint!”
4. Bamboozle: to deceive or puzzle someone, eighteenth century style. Additionally, it’s just fun to say. “Ack, I’ve been bamboozled! Curse you Taco Bell!”
5. Gorram: a version of “god damn” useful for both agnostics and those who don’t want to take their lord’s name in vain. I first heard this word on the brilliant television series “Firefly,” uttered by Captain Malcolm “Tightpants” Reynolds. Sadly, the show lasted a single season and “gorram” did not get a chance seep into our daily vernacular, but it really should. “The gorram power went out in the middle of Glee and it looked like Mr. Shue and Neil Patrick Harris were about to make out!”
I humbly ask that we all do our part to bring these words into common usage. Please, before I destroy my hearing due to explosive ipod volume.
* The word “cool” is timeless, and always will be.
You’re such a classical gal… the cat’s meow. But zounds, your a real crazy cat for saying this stuff. Sometimes you bamboozle me with your words. Don’t let this pish posh lingo effect you. Be a cool cat.
Well done! *applauds*
President Obama already took you up on one of your suggestions when he referred to his VP as a “Cat” in his State of the Union speech.
Excellent! I think he should use “bamboozle” in his next speech. I somehow think he won’t be touching “gorram” if he wants to get re-elected.