A fresh new decade blah, blah, blah…
The oughties had very little to recommend it. Face it, other than the internet explosion which allows me to avoid most of the human race and keep an obsessive eye on the 1% I can actually stand, it was defined by large scale stupidity. The media is ruled by morons and skanks, and dumbassedness has become the new wit.
The following five trends illustrate the slippery slope civilization is on perfectly. They must not be carried into the next decade. They need to be hurled into a pit by someone screaming “begone foul decade!”
1. Dumb trousers: Enough with the droopy drawers! Granted, the trend towards excessively baggy pants began more than ten years ago, but it seems to have exploded (snerk) in the last decade. What designer think tank decided it was cool for guys to look like they’ve crapped themselves? And how do these same guys manage to date? There are very very few guys out there whose underpants we want to see and for those we do, we can arrange for private viewings or attend certain movies, thanks.
And just how desperate for validation does a woman have to be to go around with “Juicy” or “Sperm Dumpster” emblazoned across her arse? Get some dignity, babe!
Skinny jeans. No one with more than 12% body fat can successfully wear these. Yet few stores stock anything else and clerks look at me like I’m speaking Chinese when I suggest this might not be a good idea. Hence, I buy only vintage until designers bring back stretchy flares that will accomodate an adult female backside.
Will we ever have a happy medium with pants?
2. 80s Retro: Bloody hell, are things that bad that we have revive neon leg warmers? Okay, that might be a bit of a head scratcher.
Is there a twenty year rule when it comes to nostalgia? Personally, I came of age during the Greedy Bastard era favoring 60s retro but that’s different (it is so!) Why the 80s? Why can’t we rock flapper dresses or elbow gloves. Or even disco. At least disco was funny.
3. Over-the-Top Tans: Honestly, with all we know about melanoma and how too much sun causes your face to look like a catcher’s mitt by the time you hit 40, why are we still tanning? And the sprayed-on orange skin is only sexy in LoompaLand. And we don’t live there, do we? Be pale, be proud, I say! (Unless you’re black or Asian or are just predisposed to having a darker complexion, natch). Doing something that’s both bad for your health and makes you look like you’ve been dipped in a vat of burnt sienna paint…epic dumb!
4. Bad Spelling- I know there are lots of very smart people who never got spelling down for whatever reason. I’m talking about people who deliberately misspell words we were introduced to in kindergarten and think capitalizing and basic punctuation are for nerds. It’s bad enough to be stuck on a bus without your ipod and having your ears assaulted by shrieky and pointless conversations in which every third word is “like.”
But when people start spelling it “liek,” without the slightest trace of irony…teh suxor!
I’m not a grammarian, but if this trend towards garbled gibberish continues, I may turn into some cranky old Aunt Josephine that goes around with a giant bag of socks to shove into people’s mouths. Please don’t make me do that!
5. The following facial expression: http://antiduckface.com/
No one over the age of three should EVER make that face. It is neither sexy nor dignified. Yet it’s everywhere. A number of (usually inexperienced or just clueless) photographers have tried to get me to make that face in the five years I’ve been working the camera. Do people not get that Zoolander is a comedy?
Just take ‘em all, stuff them into a time capsule and shoot it into space where they will just explode already.
Happy New Year!
