When good words go bad

Some time last week I was half-watching Entertainment Tonight Canada when it caught my attention in a rather negative way. A profile on Nickelback called them “the quintessential Canadian band.” And I wondered, after shouting at the television for its lack of good judgement, when the word “quintessential” came to mean “completely lacking any talent or originality?”

It then occured to me that language was ever-evolving, and sometimes de-volving. I used to think this happened over generations, but I’ve noticed the process speeding up at a distressing rate. To demonstrate, I’ve listed five words that seem to have lost their original meaning (and in some cases, lost meaning completely).

1. Hot: Originally, the word meant “giving off heat,” or “capable of burning.” Then sometime around the Jazz Age it was also used to describe human beings. A very skilled musician could be called a “hot drummer,” for example.

Individuals who were sexually attractive, perhaps to the point of raising the body temperature in those who looked upon them, were also given the label. And we were all cool with that.

Then Paris Hilton got a hold of it and suddenly everything was “hot.” Now any piece of gutter trash willing to show her breasts for free drinks is considered “hot”. Consider the Pussycat Dolls. If you believe what they “sing,” every man wishes their girlfriend looked like she could give you a social disease with (literally) the blink of an eye.

There is sensual and there is skanky. They are not the same thing.

2. Relationship: Time was, a relationship meant either being related to or being able to relate to another. It was a kinship, a strong connection.

This is another word that is rampantly being abused. Around the time TV started telling us that love and fullfillment could be won on a game show, people started giving up on forming meaningful bonds with others, we began seeking “relationships” as a means of convenient sex or justifying one’s existence.

3.Artistic: once used to refer to an appreciation of beauty, form and content, the word is now thrown around by sleazy photographers who want models to get naked and open their legs, usually for no money; a term used by talentless shlubs who crave being legitimized but have no artistic ability at all.

4. Yoga: in its purest form, yoga is a discipline used to promote a union of the mind and body and bring peace and tranquility to those who practice.

It didn’t bother me so much when Stepford wives started frequenting overpriced small town yoga studios to attain firmness rather than consciousness. I figured they were at least making an effort. But a few years back (thanks largely to Lululemon) yoga was reduced to a fashion statement. Even crappy chain stores like Old Navy are now churning out “goga pants” that have little or nothing to do with yoga and everything to do with making your butt look presentable. These fashionistas wouldn’t know an asana from a hole in their heads.

5. Edgy: once used to describe something daring, provocative or ground-breaking. “Edgy” is now what record companies tell us happens when some Disney ingenue puts on black, sports a temporary tattoo and purrs about how she’s not a little girl anymore. Slick and overproduced, what the mainstream buys as edgy couldn’t cut hair.

It’s time to take words out of the mouths of marketing companies and give them back to the poets. Or at least people who read.

Published in: on January 12, 2010 at 7:18 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Is it real, or is it Booty Pop?

No, booty pop is not a new hip-hop move or gas-inducing soda (like any sensible person would think).

First, the word “booty” should only be used by todlers and pirates. So many alternatives (butt, rump, backside, arse, deriere, can etc.) and this is the one that catches on? Even if I wanted to decieve men into thinking my backside was more luscious than it actually is (and don’t try to begrudge me my false eyelashes, I only wear them on camera or when a situation calls for a lot of eye drama), I wouldn’t buy something with such a stupid name. I was embarassed to be watching that commercial!

True, it’s not really different than wearing a padded bra (not that I own one). Though removing of said bra is way sexier than those ugly granny panties would be.

These knickers are hideous, no matter how hard they may try to sex ‘em up (the sizes are called “sweet,” “sweeter,” and “sweetest” and come in colours like “black licorice” and “cotton candy.”)

Supposing someone invented a pair of underpants for men that had the strategic padding in the crotch? This would be seen as a conspiracy to trick women into sleeping with guys they believe are well endowed but (surprise!) aren’t. Angry mobs would surely follow.

But scores of disappointed ass men…okay, I do find that mildly hillarious.

 At best, this garment might make a great deterrent to those douchebag ass-grabbers who slither around the clubs (he won’t be grabbing your actual ass after all). Maybe they could emit electric shocks. But I still wouldn’t buy ‘em. You know, on the account of the stupid name.

Published in: on January 6, 2010 at 10:17 pm  Comments (2)  
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Stop the Inanity!

A fresh new decade blah, blah, blah…

The oughties had very little to recommend it. Face it, other than the internet explosion which allows  me to avoid most of the human race and keep an obsessive eye on the 1% I can actually stand, it was defined by large scale  stupidity. The media is ruled by morons and skanks, and dumbassedness has become the new wit.

The following five trends illustrate the slippery slope civilization is on perfectly. They must not be carried into the next decade. They need to be hurled into a pit by someone screaming “begone foul decade!”

1. Dumb trousers: Enough with the droopy drawers! Granted, the trend towards excessively baggy pants began  more than ten years ago, but it seems to have exploded (snerk) in the last decade. What designer think tank decided it was cool for guys to look like they’ve crapped themselves? And how do these same guys manage to date? There are very very few guys out there whose underpants we want to see and for those we do, we can arrange for private viewings or attend certain movies, thanks.

And just how desperate for validation does a woman have to be to go around with “Juicy” or “Sperm Dumpster” emblazoned across her arse? Get some dignity, babe!

Skinny jeans. No one with more than 12% body fat can successfully wear these. Yet few stores stock anything else and clerks look at me like I’m speaking Chinese when I suggest this might not be a good idea. Hence, I buy only vintage until designers bring back stretchy flares that will accomodate an adult female backside.

Will we ever have a happy medium with pants?

2. 80s Retro: Bloody hell, are things that bad that we have revive neon leg warmers? Okay, that might be a bit of a head scratcher.

Is there a twenty year rule when it comes to nostalgia? Personally, I came of age during the Greedy Bastard era favoring 60s retro but that’s different (it is so!) Why the 80s? Why can’t we rock flapper dresses or elbow gloves. Or even disco. At least disco was funny.

3. Over-the-Top Tans: Honestly, with all we know about melanoma and how too much sun causes your face to look like a catcher’s mitt by the time you hit 40, why are we still tanning? And the sprayed-on orange skin is only sexy in LoompaLand. And we don’t live there, do we?  Be pale, be proud, I say! (Unless you’re black or Asian or are just predisposed to having a darker complexion, natch). Doing something that’s both bad for your health and makes you look like you’ve been dipped in a vat of burnt sienna paint…epic dumb!

4. Bad Spelling- I know there are lots of very smart people who never got spelling down for whatever reason. I’m talking about people who deliberately misspell words we were introduced to in kindergarten and think capitalizing and basic punctuation are for nerds. It’s bad enough to be stuck on a bus without your ipod and having your ears assaulted by shrieky and pointless conversations in which every third word is “like.”

But when people start spelling it “liek,” without the slightest trace of irony…teh suxor!

I’m not a grammarian, but if this trend towards garbled gibberish continues, I may turn into some cranky old Aunt Josephine that goes around with a giant bag of socks to shove into people’s mouths. Please don’t make me do that!

5. The following facial expressionhttp://antiduckface.com/

No one over the age of three should EVER make that face. It is neither sexy nor dignified. Yet it’s everywhere. A number of (usually inexperienced or just clueless) photographers have tried to get me to make that face in the five years I’ve been working the camera. Do people not get that Zoolander is a comedy?

Just take ‘em all, stuff them into a time capsule and shoot it into space where they will just explode already.

Happy New Year!

Published in: on January 5, 2010 at 9:07 pm  Comments (2)  
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