Hey, I like my dark, broody and mysterious men as much as the next gal (actually, probably more). I’ve envied Buffy the Vampire Slayer for getting vamp lovin’ from both Angel and Spike as much as for her wit and slaying abilities.
But vampires have permeated literature, film and television so heavily that these increasingly sexy creatures of the night are venturing into overexposure territory.
And werewolves and zombies are not far behind.
On the crest of a new decade, we need a new monster. And since no one can come up with a good monster from scratch anymore, I figured we could revisit some classic feature creatures.
I know in order to profit off a monster these days, there has to be sex appeal. No one ever writes fan fic about Killer Tomatoes. Failing that, there must be undeniable coolness factor.
For the consideration of every writer, producer, film maker and advertiser who may come across this blog, I offer the following suggestions:
The Creature From the Black Lagoon
True, the original creature (or “Gill” as fans often call him) was far from a hit with the ladies. When he got lonesome he had to make do with dragging the rare pretty girl who crossed his path down to his dank and watery lair.
Word is, there is already a remake of CFBL in the works. It doesn’t look like anyone has been cast, so may I suggest Gerard Butler. Imagine him covered in black body paint (and imagine the lucky makeup artist who gets that job!) with a few strategically-placed latex gills. Mmmm…
Plus, he played the Phantom of the Opera so we know he can pull off the complexities of the lonesome freak of nature isolated from the world who pines for an unattainable female.
This time though, girls will be running and screaming towards the Black Lagoon for the chance to love this misunderstood and alluring hunk of man-beast. Line forms to the left, ladies.
The Invisible Man
This one could be tricky. How to get women excited about a man they can’t see (even if he is a stud in the first few scenes before he becomes invisible)? We would need an actor with a very sexy voice. Alan Rickman would do nicely.
And lots of women have fantasized about being with some invisible lover. After all, one could have all sorts of worldly experience being invisible, and you’ll never see any of it coming. Plus, he sounds hot so he must be hot, right?
Lepus
Not sexy at all. But the public loves killer bunnies (especially Monty Python fans). We’d root for them!
And bunnies have many reasons to be angry at people. They have poisons dripped in their eyes and get skinned for their fluffy bunny fur. What if some crazy scientific experiment went horribly wrong and produced genetically altered giant rabbits with a strong sense of vengeance? Oh, those bunnies would be hopping mad and have the size advantage to take down their white-coated oppressors.
Maybe I should write this one myself.
The 50 Ft. Woman
Admit it, guys. You love the idea of some scantily-clad Amazon swooping you up and carrying you back to her giant house like you were a sack of potatoes. Plus with the height thing, she’s bound to attain supermodel status. That is if she can avoid stepping on all the other models and crushing them into super-goo.
So Hollywood, if you please, don’t run the vampire thing into the ground. A good epic bloodsucker flick every few years will suffice. Otherwise, we risk destroying their mystique. Or worse:
